Have you ever heard the term be careful what you wish for? Doesn't it suck when it actually happens to you?
When the love of my life (Besides Jesus) placed that ring on my finger(single ladies...) It was the happiest
day of my life for about 15 minutes... Then when the harsh words of people's insight and opinion's melted my smile
down into the dirt I felt stupid. Like why are you getting married? Here are all the negative reasons why you
shouldn't... here are all the negative aspects of your relationships... and here is all the negative things that
come from marriage. I think i've heard the word divorce more now then ever... lol Everything has caused me to want
to run. I'm sure their intentions was not for us to feel discouraged but of course the final say is from Jesus.
But tell me when all the odds seem to be against you in a time for celebration, and when your heart is not
even in the celebration anymore but focused on all the negativity where can you go? When things get hard
it's so easy to leave. Sometimes I fantasize about packing a small bag and not telling a soul and leave.
Take a plan and fly across the states where no one knows my name. Only to leave a letter behind pouring out
my heart with the hurts and pain that i had been experiencing. But... when we make that decision to follow
in the foot steps of Jesus running away is not an option. No I actually have to sit and work through these
crappy feelings. I HATE every minute of it. I HATE how people tell me this is going to be "good" for me in
the long run. I HATE that they are right. I know that only Jesus can take this HATE away from my cold heart.
I know this is part of the reason for my sleepless nights. The reason underlying my lonliness... The reason
i feel like a ticking time bomb ready to EXPLODE!!! Tune into another round of my grammatical error filled,
nonsense rambling, emotion filled words!

When I shut my eyes just for the slightest moment I envision a place too surreal to be reality. A place brought to life by my subconscious and my my days. My sweet dream escapes from me when I return to reality and bring light into darkness as i open my eyes so slowly..praying this motion would lend me more time. At night I meet you again. You’ve become my favorite part of the day. Like a multihued bag of sweet candy for a well-behaved, pig-tailed youngster. You bring me joy. So tonight as the clear moon shines brighter than any night in the hours of darkeness I shut the doors to this anguished world and turn the key into one more pleasing. Yes… the picture has become clear to me as I fall deeper and deeper. Right before me I catch a glimpse of myself. Only i’m not her, and she’s not me. Dressed in an all white laced babydoll gown to fit her petite frame. Such a simple yet breath taking sight. Her skin appeared as the feverish sun with a flawless glimmer and glow to it. Her smile was as pure as an infant gazing into the eyes of their mother. She danced to her own mellow song… to the right then the left as the crowd surrounded her. Not a soul utterted a word but stories had been told with the look in their eyes as they looked at her. As they looked at me. Oh how I wish this dream could become reality….

Just leave me BEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Christian relationships are quite difficult. I mean switch on the tv and when you see a man and woman in a “romantic” relationship they’re usually sexually active… or living together before marriage… or doings lots of other things freely. I’m not placing judgement on any of these acts it’s just I know I’m choosing not to indulge in acts until I’m married. It doesnt mean it isn’t hard as ever though!!! I love my boyfriend very much, but how selfish would it be of me to cause him to sin for my own pleasure? Would that be love at all? and How easily I tend to get mad. Heck I’m mad right now as I write this (this is why i’m writing lol) I want things to go my way. Isn’t this what society places in our hearts? whatever you desire to attain it at any and all cost? I mean who cares who you hurt to get there. As long as you’re satisfied then that’s all that matters! If you’re mad then you have every right to be they tell us. Hold those darn grudges… grow a black hole in that heart of yours cause everything revolves around you and you’re feelings!

But it just gets so damn overwhelming at times. To try to fight yourself… not to go along with what everyone else is doing. It’s glamorized all over the media(that’s why I want to work in this field) it’s everywhere you turn. To be free,and do whatever you feel like doing. So why don’t I you may question. Cause I love Jesus. And I know that truely loving means to sacrfice a lot just as he sacrifcied his own life for mine…. ours!  Everyday in every relationship I am currently in (romantic, friendly, family) I have to ask myself am I honoring this person by acting this way? Am I truely showing pure love, tenderheaerted mercy towards this person? And of course it’s usually a no answer. This is why I must rely on the understandings of Jesus Christ. Because everything in me, everything in us wants to feed our flesh. We want to stay angry when we are angry, we want to gossip, and have pre marital sex! Yes I said it. But we’re weak. I know I am! I’m only here right now because of the Lord’s srength. He saved me from the depths of death many times. So lord this is my confession before you and anyone who may read this. I call on you again to help me make it through this moment of weakness again Jesus. Show me again and again what patience looks like (cause it seems like i don’t have a patient bone in my body) Lord I NEED you. I thank u again for loving me through my brokeness.

AMEN

What a blog title huh? More randomness from Me. Let’s start with my lovely kiddies….

Yes… they do make me laugh. That’s why I work with them. Come to think of it most of my jobs have been with kids. All types of kids. Kids with major behavioral issues, kids that were from the suburbs, and those from the innercity. You name it i’ve HEARD it/ seen it. I always come into work thinking i’m going to teach them something new. Sometimes i do, but i always leave learning something myself.  I mean i stare into the brown eyes of first grade children that tell me things like “My daddy’s in Jail”, or “ I don’t know my birthday” or worse “I can’t spell my name” I get so frustrated because I’m not a teacher. I’m just here for the summer. I’m here so they can have fun. But I know somewhere along the line someone has failed these kids. I can’t point fingers, because I really don’t know the situations… but I do know something’s got to give. I can’t take each child home with me, I can’t tutor each child… But I know when I’m in contact with them I can stretch myself and pour out my patience, and love on them… and maybe teach them how to spell their name. Or hear their funny stories. Or watch them dance to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” (the most hilarious sight…) Though I can’t put my organizations name (the risk of getting fired) I will say this…. BLUE group is the best!

I went to the movies today with my boyfriend. We saw Public Enemies. I’m more of a romantic comedy kind of girl…. but it was pretty good. Johny Depp was a plus! *smiles* Then we went to *drum role please* Cold stone creamery!!! My favorite. Sure did get that Birthday cake remix! Anywho off to bed. Have to bake cookies tomorrow morning for our pot luck for work. I’ll be tearing up some food at the J-O-B tomorrow, and hopefully I won’t catch the Itus being that I still have to work my full shift…. still conscious! *hehe*

If you read this make sure you smile big tomorrow. You’re maiking someone’s day… you just don’t know it. Love ya, Mean it!

Public enemy #1where have all the children gone?

Why do all the good talents get handed out to everyone else but the little people like me? You know… Like singing, dancing(choreographed), Poetry… I just get the over emotional know how to feel a lot talent. Is that even a talent? More like a freaking curse! Well I want to sing dangit! Why can’t I just wake up with a brand new voice? Not like an over the top Whitney or Mariah voice. Maybe like a decent voice like Ciara, or Britney… lol Nah I’ll go for Ciara. Anywho I’m ranting about nothing but garbage. Maybe someone out there thinks my blogs are creative and fun… If you do thank u! But I guess for now I’ll remain talentless.

AGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH……

I need to yell. I can’t yell right now since everyone in my house is sleeping so I just settled for a virtual outburst. Not as sastisfying, but it does do the trick. So… who’s impatient isabella? Well no one really… I just like using allitertation for how I’m feeling or describing someone. There’s Debbie Downer(also made famous from SNL), Technical Ted, Nosey Nancy, Happy Hilary… it goes on and on. Right now Impatient Isabella is me.  I want this thing soooo bad. We’ll say this thing I want is a Brand new car. On the outside this car looks amazing. I mean fresh paint job, rims galore, and all that good stuff( can you tell I know nothing about cars?) Anywho… This amazing car. We’ll make it a brand new model. A Cheetah GX 2009  special edition is beautiful to the eyes of EVERYONE who passes it. Everyone wants it! But can everyone afford it? (no) And you know something else? This Cheetah GX 2009 isn’t even all it’s cracked up to be. Sure on the commercials it says you can go 0 to 150 in 3.6 seconds. It also says it’s great on gas (it’s a hybrid…GO GREEN), and there a four tv’s inside, and surround sound system that shakes when you drive down every street. Yes.. it lures you in until you are trapped in it’s trance. But the Cheetah GX  has a scraps of metal for an engine! And they forgot to tell you when you start the car it sounds like death coughing up a lung! Ok… you say. I can deal with that. But you sit inside and the four tv’s are black and white only, and aren’t too shabby. You only can watch one channel pbs. Who cares you say? it’s still a car. But the last thing they forgot to mention in that million dollar commercial is Little ol Cheetah GX 2009…. is secretly a hoopty( with an amazing stylist) lol . Do you still want it now?

There are so many things that this can go with in life. Something is spoken of so well. Like it’s magical once it’s yours. Like you’ll have happiness like none before when it’s in your hands. You ever think about what would you actually do with all of that? REALLY?

 Yes I know I still want “it.” And i burn with anger everytime someone older… wiser tells me “Be patient”, “Patience is a virtue”…. I’m the opposite. Quite hasty… I want what i want… darn this flesh of mine! So I confess that yes I am being impatient isabella. But maybe I can learn more about this “thing” i want as I’m waiting for it. Pray about it. Hear from God… Maybe afterwards I can come up with a new alliteration. Smart Sally???♥

Overwhelmed is one emotion that can sum up everything i’m feeling. I wish I could run and never stop. Maybe to fly and never come down. How about dive and stay emerged for all times. I want to float on the moon tonight… Yes I’ll go to the moon.  Surely there will be silence that greets me when i get there. The echoes of solitude will roar through the air. Well there is no air… the atmosphere i’ll say. Yes the atmosphere will be calm. There won’t be random phones calls to start my day with a spinning BOOM(not a good boom at that)… there will not be people that can cause me pain since i’ll be all alone.æ Nobody will worry about me tonight. When they ask where did she go, a voice will simply reply… “why she went to the moon of course” and all here on earth will be content in that. On the moon i will have my chance to run, to dive, to fly and never come down. On the moon, on this night I will find  a calming peace♥… surely i will find more than this earth has to offer tonight.

My Vacation

Lost

1.
no longer possessed or retained: lost friends. 






2.
no longer to be found: lost articles. 






3.
having gone astray or missed the way; bewildered as to place, direction, etc.: lost children. 






4.
not used to good purpose, as opportunities, time, or labor; wasted: a lost advantage. 






5.
being something that someone has failed to win: a lost prize. 






6.
ending in or attended with defeat: a lost battle. 






7.
destroyed or ruined: lost ships. 






8.
preoccupied; rapt: He seems lost in thought. 






9.
distracted; distraught; desperate; hopeless: the lost look of a man trapped and afraid. 

A new door has opened for me but as I walked through I lost my way. I can’t read the street signs, and everyone here is not a recogniazble face. Everyone is dressed in uniform and I’m obviously not. Everyone’s walking to the right but everything in me is pushing me left. Is something wrong with me? Am i crazy? Everyone is moving… their destination unknown… but they seem so driven. So motivated. So busy. I’m standing still in the same boring position. Doing the same boring thing. Watching them move passed me. I watch in amaezement at this repetitve action. Everyday from sunrise to sunset they move… never stop. I stand still. I watch.  I’ve lost all motivation to move. I’ve lost my way all together.  Lord please guide me… cause I’m lost with out you.

Why do people smile when no one’s smiling?
Its cause their thinking of someone they’re loving
Keep on believing we are meant to be and
Nothing’s stopping you and me from going to heaven.
Sweetest loveI got the sweetest love there ain’t nothing sweeter
I got the sweetest love ain’t nothing beating it
There ain’t nothing sweeter- Robin Thicke “Sweetest Love”

There are walls that we can build up in ourselves. Walls that just become apart of us that we don’t even recognize them to be what they are. A shield, a gate, and even for some a prison. Yes a prison and We are the guards. The ones suited up with the night stick held close to us in case something strange occurs. We parrade  around protecting… who? Yes… ourselves. From what? Oh… from You!!! Well let’s say we broke some rules. That we let our guard down for a moment what could happen? What would happen?

I once did this too… but there are so many opportunties that we pass up by doing this. By staying guarded… I mean who is actually winning by doing this? Not us… Not me.

When my heart was opened to the Gospel…  opened to the Love of Jesus my guards were slowly let down. I was open to receiving what I had been “protecting” myself from. From Love! Love from the only man that would never let me down, that would never leave me, and love me uncondionally…. Jesus Christ. When my heart was opened for him to come and fill me… it was also opened for real love by Great friends, by family, and even by a significant other.

Which brings me to my sweetest love…. I have been so blessed to have found my Best friend. I didn’t think he was real.  But when your heart is filled with the Love of God… all things are possible for you. And when love wasn’t the main agenda for me… it walked right into my heart. The walls that I had built for many years crumbled down with each day. With each phone conversation. With each laugh. With each prayer.  Yes i was losing the battle… but i was ok with that. Because Now i was experiencing something fresh, something new… and it was so beauiful. It is still beautiful as we grow together in christ…. and more in love.

1 corinthians 13:1-3

¹If I speak in the tongues  of men and of angels, but have not love,

I am only a resounding gong or a

clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries

and all knowledge, and if

I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

³If I give all I possess to the

poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Something strange is consuming me… it longs to take my joy, my smile, and every bit of happiness I own inside of me. It causes me to feel physically tired, and just down at times that I truely shouldn’t. Lord I know these are lies… yet i still feel this way.  I feel as if I have nobody. I’m surrounded in a room full of loved ones and I am forcing a smile, I’m going a long with all the actions so they aren’t concerned about me. But inside I’m crying. Jesus please take this emptiness away… I know all i need is you but this darkness just seems to hover over me… The harder I run from it, the faster it follows behind me. I am growing weary of running… I want to get over this….

I keep painting on a smile but right now I am exposed as a fake…