Impatient Isabella

AGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH……

I need to yell. I can’t yell right now since everyone in my house is sleeping so I just settled for a virtual outburst. Not as sastisfying, but it does do the trick. So… who’s impatient isabella? Well no one really… I just like using allitertation for how I’m feeling or describing someone. There’s Debbie Downer(also made famous from SNL), Technical Ted, Nosey Nancy, Happy Hilary… it goes on and on. Right now Impatient Isabella is me.  I want this thing soooo bad. We’ll say this thing I want is a Brand new car. On the outside this car looks amazing. I mean fresh paint job, rims galore, and all that good stuff( can you tell I know nothing about cars?) Anywho… This amazing car. We’ll make it a brand new model. A Cheetah GX 2009  special edition is beautiful to the eyes of EVERYONE who passes it. Everyone wants it! But can everyone afford it? (no) And you know something else? This Cheetah GX 2009 isn’t even all it’s cracked up to be. Sure on the commercials it says you can go 0 to 150 in 3.6 seconds. It also says it’s great on gas (it’s a hybrid…GO GREEN), and there a four tv’s inside, and surround sound system that shakes when you drive down every street. Yes.. it lures you in until you are trapped in it’s trance. But the Cheetah GX  has a scraps of metal for an engine! And they forgot to tell you when you start the car it sounds like death coughing up a lung! Ok… you say. I can deal with that. But you sit inside and the four tv’s are black and white only, and aren’t too shabby. You only can watch one channel pbs. Who cares you say? it’s still a car. But the last thing they forgot to mention in that million dollar commercial is Little ol Cheetah GX 2009…. is secretly a hoopty( with an amazing stylist) lol . Do you still want it now?

There are so many things that this can go with in life. Something is spoken of so well. Like it’s magical once it’s yours. Like you’ll have happiness like none before when it’s in your hands. You ever think about what would you actually do with all of that? REALLY?

 Yes I know I still want “it.” And i burn with anger everytime someone older… wiser tells me “Be patient”, “Patience is a virtue”…. I’m the opposite. Quite hasty… I want what i want… darn this flesh of mine! So I confess that yes I am being impatient isabella. But maybe I can learn more about this “thing” i want as I’m waiting for it. Pray about it. Hear from God… Maybe afterwards I can come up with a new alliteration. Smart Sally???♥

Vacation’s all I ever wanted….

Overwhelmed is one emotion that can sum up everything i’m feeling. I wish I could run and never stop. Maybe to fly and never come down. How about dive and stay emerged for all times. I want to float on the moon tonight… Yes I’ll go to the moon.  Surely there will be silence that greets me when i get there. The echoes of solitude will roar through the air. Well there is no air… the atmosphere i’ll say. Yes the atmosphere will be calm. There won’t be random phones calls to start my day with a spinning BOOM(not a good boom at that)… there will not be people that can cause me pain since i’ll be all alone.æ Nobody will worry about me tonight. When they ask where did she go, a voice will simply reply… “why she went to the moon of course” and all here on earth will be content in that. On the moon i will have my chance to run, to dive, to fly and never come down. On the moon, on this night I will find  a calming peace♥… surely i will find more than this earth has to offer tonight.

My Vacation

Lost

 

1.
no longer possessed or retained: lost friends. 






2.
no longer to be found: lost articles. 






3.
having gone astray or missed the way; bewildered as to place, direction, etc.: lost children. 






4.
not used to good purpose, as opportunities, time, or labor; wasted: a lost advantage. 






5.
being something that someone has failed to win: a lost prize. 






6.
ending in or attended with defeat: a lost battle. 






7.
destroyed or ruined: lost ships. 






8.
preoccupied; rapt: He seems lost in thought. 






9.
distracted; distraught; desperate; hopeless: the lost look of a man trapped and afraid. 

A new door has opened for me but as I walked through I lost my way. I can’t read the street signs, and everyone here is not a recogniazble face. Everyone is dressed in uniform and I’m obviously not. Everyone’s walking to the right but everything in me is pushing me left. Is something wrong with me? Am i crazy? Everyone is moving… their destination unknown… but they seem so driven. So motivated. So busy. I’m standing still in the same boring position. Doing the same boring thing. Watching them move passed me. I watch in amaezement at this repetitve action. Everyday from sunrise to sunset they move… never stop. I stand still. I watch.  I’ve lost all motivation to move. I’ve lost my way all together.  Lord please guide me… cause I’m lost with out you.

Float….

Why do people smile when no one’s smiling?
Its cause their thinking of someone they’re loving
Keep on believing we are meant to be and
Nothing’s stopping you and me from going to heaven.
Sweetest loveI got the sweetest love there ain’t nothing sweeter
I got the sweetest love ain’t nothing beating it
There ain’t nothing sweeter- Robin Thicke “Sweetest Love”

There are walls that we can build up in ourselves. Walls that just become apart of us that we don’t even recognize them to be what they are. A shield, a gate, and even for some a prison. Yes a prison and We are the guards. The ones suited up with the night stick held close to us in case something strange occurs. We parrade  around protecting… who? Yes… ourselves. From what? Oh… from You!!! Well let’s say we broke some rules. That we let our guard down for a moment what could happen? What would happen?

I once did this too… but there are so many opportunties that we pass up by doing this. By staying guarded… I mean who is actually winning by doing this? Not us… Not me.

When my heart was opened to the Gospel…  opened to the Love of Jesus my guards were slowly let down. I was open to receiving what I had been “protecting” myself from. From Love! Love from the only man that would never let me down, that would never leave me, and love me uncondionally…. Jesus Christ. When my heart was opened for him to come and fill me… it was also opened for real love by Great friends, by family, and even by a significant other.

Which brings me to my sweetest love…. I have been so blessed to have found my Best friend. I didn’t think he was real.  But when your heart is filled with the Love of God… all things are possible for you. And when love wasn’t the main agenda for me… it walked right into my heart. The walls that I had built for many years crumbled down with each day. With each phone conversation. With each laugh. With each prayer.  Yes i was losing the battle… but i was ok with that. Because Now i was experiencing something fresh, something new… and it was so beauiful. It is still beautiful as we grow together in christ…. and more in love.

1 corinthians 13:1-3

¹If I speak in the tongues  of men and of angels, but have not love,

I am only a resounding gong or a

clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries

and all knowledge, and if

I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

³If I give all I possess to the

poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Dark

Something strange is consuming me… it longs to take my joy, my smile, and every bit of happiness I own inside of me. It causes me to feel physically tired, and just down at times that I truely shouldn’t. Lord I know these are lies… yet i still feel this way.  I feel as if I have nobody. I’m surrounded in a room full of loved ones and I am forcing a smile, I’m going a long with all the actions so they aren’t concerned about me. But inside I’m crying. Jesus please take this emptiness away… I know all i need is you but this darkness just seems to hover over me… The harder I run from it, the faster it follows behind me. I am growing weary of running… I want to get over this….

I keep painting on a smile but right now I am exposed as a fake…

Kryptonite

Imagine someone of high value in your life… it could be a friend, sibling, or parent; now let’s say that someone that you love and cherish so much scars you. Not physically but verbally… maybe they called you a name (fat,stupid, ugly) maybe they labeled you (good for nothing, lazy) maybe they just plain belittle you that ONE good time. That has now become your Kryptonite. Think deeply on what that could be in your life…

This is in a way very therapeutic for me because I have been told there is freedom in confession. Everyone has a kryptonite. In some ways someone’s kryptonite maybe a postive one. For example what if a mother called her son “disorganized”? This could either one, make him feel bad about himself and do everything in his power for the rest of his natural life to never be called disorganized by anyone, especially his mom ever agan! Or two, he could take it as positive cristicsm and turns that disorganized into an organized. For me and most people I know their Kryptonite ends up being anything but postive. It ends up costing them a life of low self-esteem, no self-worth, and just a terrible self-image! This truely saddens me. But we know that we can not change the past… however each day we are blessed with life. So through Jesus we are shielded in a way from our Kryptonite. We must go through a process of shedding that “old name” given to us by that friend, lover, or mother… we must find our new name in Christ.

It is so much easier to hold on to the past and badger yourself on how “bad” you are at this… or how “inadequate” you are for this… take it from me nobody wants to live this way! But through Jesus we are made new. His blood shed for us is like the rebirth of you… Let go of it all my friends… just let it all go!

I would be hyporcritical if I told you this walk… and process is an easy one. From first hand experience it isn’t. I’ma actually in the process of shedding my old skin too, of turning all the lies I have been told into the truth. My truth, my peace of mind, my father helps me with that each and everyday! I praise him for being so patient with me and patient with us all. He has not created us to look down upon ourselves… we are his children and he finds each of us beautiful. When you find yourself down on self-image check out Psalm 139… I’ve been meditating on that for months!!! Let’s take the time out of our day to anaylyze our own kryptonite and how it has affected us in our everyday lives. Take it all to the father and listen to the new name he will give you. You are loved my dear friends! Always know that.

Masquerade

Sometimes I feel like I’m on some never ending rollercoaster. The wind is blowing swiftly through my hair, on my skin. It soothes me, calms me… but at the same time I’m scared! At times I want to get off and just place my feet on solid ground… but I know that’s the easy way out, and life is challenging so I just continue this bogus ride! I’m not here to complain about my life, how hard it is or anything relating to that. I’m just sitting here reflecting on my emotions right now. I chose to share them with the world. Maybe someone out there is feeling this way too. When I look into the mirror, when I see what is staring back at me, when I actually see me… I question it. Have you ever had to stop dead in your tracks and ask yourself “Who am I” I have!!! 

Inside me I feel like an unwritten book, unsang melody, untold story. Like a caged bird, a firecracker waiting for the Boom! Inside of me I have so much to say, so much to share but I just am a “Prisoner of Words” Words left unsaid like Alicia Keys said. It’s true. I battle myself. When the times arises for me to speak my mind I withdraw myself… and just bear it all on my own… silence. 

So I SCREAM out onto this screen, I pour out my soul into my journal, I sing my sweet melody with each word I write. It’s the only way I can survive this self inflicted battle. I keep praying for the Lord to release me from these chains I have bound myself in, but in order to do that I must face my past. Release the demons that haunt me, bring truth to the lies the enemy has been telling me for so long. Until I do so I am a Prisoner. I smile at you, but you don’t see my tears, you can’t hear my cries. One day I will be brave, I will speak out. The Lord will fill all my empty, unsure parts with confidence. Slowly but surely I will be taken out of the darkness. Until then I remain smiling at you in this big facade… a beautiful masquerade!

Mysterious Angel

How do you define the word Angel?
Is it someone dressed in white, with a hanging halo on their head?
Is it someone who revived your soul, when your spirit was dead?
Maybe it is the fireman, who settled the flames in your home
Maybe it is your expensive shrink, who cleared the negative views in your dome
Angels come in all colors, forms, shapes and sizes
Imprinting your heart and life with miraculous surprises
My angel wasnt a friend; love one, or a special doctor
Matter of fact, my angel turned out to be a devil and so much more
You see, he played his cards very right, maneuvering like a snake in the grass
Sliding from one to another, we could never see it behind the mask
As we were lost in the hypnotic trance, some began to see what he was about
But we could never believe them, he was our angel, our friend, we had not one doubt
Soon, things began to change, smiles began to fade
Friendships became fragile, starting of the rumors, began our denial
Angels cant be evil; it is out of their character
Well this angel was an actor, for the roles he played shouldve won an Oscar
My dear Angels actions, through me into a deep depression
One that only religion, could make me right again
I nearly lost my friends, family, my sanity and pride, over one man
Kind of guy that made u feel like u were in heaven, in reality u were knee deep in
Quick sand.
Youre asking your self, how he could be an angel, hes so cold, and betraying
And Ill reply to you, by simply saying
Without a test, there  can not be a testimony
This test I faced, showed me the faces of true love, and the face of a phony
I stare at these 4 faces, wondering where I would be if we had let him consume us
You all know who are, my heart, friends, my crew, my soul sistahs!
If it was not for that angel in disguise, we would not be as close as we are today
And each and every night, I thank god when I pray
For sending him to us all
When he broke our spirit, we helped each other through the fall
Now I truly do believe angels are sent from above
The black raven might end up being the white dove!

Bliss….

Another one of my earlier written poems… Had to start somewhere (lol)

 

Only the lord knows, how much my heart cries
Each time I gaze into your eyes
Such a unique shade of brown
Just staring into them make me frown
Cause I know when I look into your eyes & you look into mine
That for you, it’s just a simple thing, but I’m awaiting a sign
If only I could control what my heart feels
Push these feelings away like they are unreal
But they are, and I feel it each time we speak
Just simple words from you, make my heart weak
but i’ll continuously put my feelings to the side for your happiness
cause seeing you happy, gives me comfortness
My painful bliss, nothing compares to this…….

Yesterdat

( A Very old poem…. can u tell from the immaturity behind it…)

Steadily I lay in my bed
thoughts of you run through my head
I saw you yesterday, your smiling face brought me joy
but yesterday turned into today, you played with me like a toy
yesterday, you longed to be next to me, as i did, you
Today, I await your call like a childish fool
Yesterday, you touched me, your strong hands felt so right
Today i cry in my bed, from when the sun rises, till the moon is in sight
yesterday, I had you in the palm of my hands
Today your sinking out of my grasp like quick sand
Yesterday, I was your baby, your love, your girl
but today I’m not even apart of your world
I still lay in my bed asking myself
What happened between yesterday and today
to make things change so drastically
I close my eyes to drift off to sleep
Wishing that I never introduced myself to you last week